President Trump's Election Integrity And National Security Address Shunned By Media Outlets (SATIRE)

 

President Trump: I will be making a big announcement tonight, a yuuuge announcement concerning election integrity—or the lack thereof—and its implications for the future of our country and national security. I will be revealing conclusive proof that China extensively meddled in the 2020 presidential election—and that our own intelligence organizations and the ‘Deep State’ deliberately and systemically hid that from you, the American people and voters…and from myself, your duly elected president.

NBC: We will not be bringing you Trump’s little, baseless, haranguing speech tonight, because we will be showing you some critical clips from the Maine Senate debate.

ABC:  We didn’t feel it was right or moral to pre-empt—or delay—the current episode of The Bachelor, and therefore deprive American citizens (and voters!) of almost real-time updates on Spencer Conley & Jess Edwards, who were engaged on the finale of Bachelor in Paradise season 10 just last September.

CNN: Well, this is CNN… and we chose to run a critical Public Service Announcement pertaining to the epidemic of explosive diarrhea sweeping the nation due to Cyclosporiasis-- caused by improperly handled lettuce and produce—rather than run the aging, rotund liar’s insane litany of thoroughly debunked election interference claims and completely unfounded attacks on the press as being somehow biased against him.

CBS: As President Trump continues to make unverified, and frankly preposterous, assertions about Chinese interference and other forms of fraud in what most experts claim was the most secure election in American history, we have to cut away now to bring you breaking news: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have just announced that they will be taking a second-- and much longer-- honeymoon in the Cayman Islands early next year after the NFL season has concluded. Wow. Just wow.

The Associated Press (AP), recapping President Trump’s speech: The president put forth soaring but baseless rhetoric about alleged American exceptionalism before weirdly veering into a darkly political speech with warnings about a sinister threat of communism that evoked one of the country’s ugliest chapters. Trump went so far as to state that an amorphous and almost undetectable communism was a mortal threat to American liberty. What a nut job!  25^th Amendment people! Trumpty Dumpty’s speech pales in comparison to then President Biden’s brilliant September 1^st, 2022, speech in which he rightly and properly demonized Trump and his fascistic supporters in a fiery rant girded by a suitably dark and blood-red background.