*In honor of the totally not made up and legitimate Juneteenth holiday:*
MS NOW Anchor: “We’re
getting word now of something happening in Minnesota. It apparently involves---
NEVER MIND, that was a false report! On to the burgeoning scandals at the White
House. President Trump slandered yet another reporter today, calling her “dumb”
after she asked him why he was hell-bent on tearing down the East side of the
White House. We go now to reporter Jane Uignorantslut who is on the grounds of
the White House. Jane, thank you for your vital work, your dedication and
sacrifice…what can you tell us about Trump’s manic desire to destroy
history…and The Peoples’ House itself?”
Jane U: “Well, Pat,
President Trump seems to delight in attacking both people and places. This
assault seems to me particularly grievous and gratuitous, especially as it demolishes
part of history, all for a ballroom for the elite. Let them eat cake, I guess.”
MS NOW Anchor: “Jane, we are
actually getting a caller on the line now. Please hold on one moment. Go ahead
caller. Ask your question about Trump’s mauling of the White House.”
Caller: “Well, actually, I’d
like to talk about the staggering Somali fraud in Minnesota. I live in the
state and can tell you from firsthand experience that---"
MS NOW Anchors (both of whom
immediately cover their ears and start chanting): “The farmer in the dell, the
farmer in the dell, hi-ho the derry-o, the farmer in the dell…” over and over
and over again until the caller gives up and hangs up.
MS NOW Anchor: “Far-right
Republican roustabout Nick Shirley is in California tonight, supposedly exposing
the ‘fraud and corruption’ in which he baselessly claims some Somalis
and other immigrants have been engaging. The state’s elected officials have heroically
responded by putting forth a bill that would criminalize politically-based
muckraking of the sort that Shirley has engaged in.”
Other MS NOW Anchor: “Serves
him right. California has, in fact, just passed the aptly named ‘Nick Shirley Act’
which effectively criminalizes investigative reporting if it is in any way
aimed at the government. I simply can’t overemphasize how important this is to
preserving our democracy and enhancing our First Amendment rights and
protections.”
Other Other MS NOW Anchor
(original anchor): “So true, Bob. We are all Somali tonight, are we not?! In
other news, a 26-year-old Muslim Pakistani immigrant allegedly molested a—squirrel!--
sorry, there was an error in our system leading to an incorrect description of both
the perpetrator and the alleged crime. What we should have stated is
that a far-right Trump supporter and Christian apologist robbed a midtown bank
earlier today, all the while shouting “USA! USA!” and “Trump is my Lord and
Savior!”
Other MS NOW Anchor (Pat): “I
must say, that checks out, Bob. It is just what one would expect a far-right
ideologue and Nazi acolyte to say. Gives me the chills. Hail, Satan!”
Bob: “It appears that a fire
has just broken out at a Catholic church in Dearborn, Michigan. Authorities
apparently suspect…”
Pat: “Well anyway, we now go
to reporter Chester E. Dogooder who is downtown at a topless nightclub called ‘Golden
Globes.’ Chester?”
Chester E. Dogooder:
“Pat…Bob…I am here at Golden Globes, and I must tell you I am aghast—absolutely
aghast—at the shameless display of boobies, as well as the throbbing music and
not infrequent incidences of ‘dirty dancing,’ if you will. It is now well after
10 PM Eastern Standard Time and I have been here for six hours now. This kind
of display, this kind of establishment, would not be tolerated in the Muslim
world. Neither the bare flesh, the music, the drinking, nor the happy and
amused banter and broad smiles that so permeate this place. Tonight, I’m here
to report on the--”
A dancer named “Mercedes”
approaches Chester: “Hi, I’m Mercedes, what’s your name, lover?”
Chester E. Dogooder: “I, um,
ah, am Lester darlin’—I mean Chester, ha, ha, ha!”
Mercedes:
“Well…Chester…would you like a lap dance?”
Chester: “I, um, ah, oh
boy…yes, ma’am! Please!”
Pat: “Anyway, Chester,
thanks for that, um, report.” (Turns to Bob and says, “I think we’ve lost
Chester.”)
Bob: “Authorities now say
that a so-called ‘undocumented migrant’ has been involved with an ‘incident’
involving three goats, a cat, and—"
Pat: “Any old hoo, as
always, we bring you expanded weather, sports, and entertainment coverage
tonight, in an ever-increasing attempt to deliver what matters most to you!
This is MS NOW: All the news on which we care to report. Good night and
Allahu Akhbar.”
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