President Biden Press Conference
James S. Brady Press Briefing
Room
The White House
Washington, D.C.
February 4, 2021
Reporter: “Mr. President, might I just say how happy I am
that you have defeated The Buffoon. Also, you look especially handsome today.”
Biden: “Uh, thank you darlin’. Oh, um, do you have a
question?”
Reporter: “Yes, thank you so much for reminding me!
Do you think Trump is meaner than he is dumb…or dumber than he is mean?”
Biden: “Great question. I have to say, uhh…he is…well, you
know, look…(looks around confusedly, eyes not focusing)…oh, yeah, he is even
stupider than he is nasty.”
Reporter: “Great answer, sir! May I have a follow-up
question?”
Biden: “Yeah.”
Reporter: “What is your favorite television show? I mean, I
know you are so busy running the country and doing the Lord’s work and all,
but, when you get a chance, what do you like to watch?”
Biden: “Well, I like the Golden Girls. And Barney. Think
they’re on different channels, though. And Maddow. I like Maddow.”
Different reporter: “Sir, what is your favorite cereal,
assuming you eat cereal, haha? Quite a few of our readers have been demanding
to know the answer to that question.”
Biden: “That’s easy: Cocoa Puffs. I’m cocoa for Cuckoo
Puffs, haha. Or whatever the hell their, you know… thing…was.”
Different reporter: “Mr. President, I don’t mean to hit you
with a tough question, but would you say you are prouder of your son Hunter for
being selected to sit on the boards of prestigious foreign companies or for
gracefully weathering the utterly baseless, totally unfounded attacks by the
jackbooted, Hitlerite Republicans and their pathetic, white supremacist
sycophants?”
Biden: “Both.” (Nods off. Aide races over to nudge him
awake.)
Different reporter: “Mr. President, what do you say to those
bigoted lunatics who don’t like the fact that you have issued an Executive
Order to stop construction of the immoral, unconstitutional, boondoggle of a
border wall that is totally ineffective anyway?”
Biden: “I’d tell ‘em, C’Mon man, get a clue!
Look in the mirror and slap yourselves silly, you xenophobic Proud Boy
fascists! I mean, check your damn white privilege at the door, okay?!”
Reporter: “May I just say, sir…that might be the greatest
thing I’ve ever heard said by anyone in my life.”
Biden: (Had nodded off again. An aide rushes over to nudge
him awake.) “Huh? Oh, hell yeah! Thanks!”
Different reporter: “I hesitate to even bring this up, sir,
but there are those who don’t agree with your Executive Order cancelling the
Keystone Pipeline. Those extremists say that it will cost many thousands of
American jobs, has upset our Canadian neighbors, and that the oil will now have
to be brought into the country by greenhouse-gas-emitting trucks…or be obtained
from countries that are overtly hostile to us. What would you tell these
malcontents?”
Biden: (Reddens) “What the hell kinda question is that?
You’re from effing Fox News, aren’t you? Or are you a Trump plant? Guards!
Security! Have this person removed immediately! I bet you were involved in the
terrorist attack on the Capitol, weren’t you, you piece of sh*t? Have you no
respect for democracy? The principles this nation was founded on? No decency?
No tolerance? No class? Out! And don’t let the door hit you in the ass!”
(Quietly, in an aside to his aide: “That’s it, I’m calling a lid…until, maybe,
March.”)
[FADE]
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