Tuesday, February 2, 2021

President Biden Press Conference


President Biden Press Conference

James S. Brady Press Briefing Room 

The White House

Washington, D.C.

February 4, 2021


Reporter: “Mr. President, might I just say how happy I am that you have defeated The Buffoon. Also, you look especially handsome today.”

Biden: “Uh, thank you darlin’. Oh, um, do you have a question?”

Reporter: “Yes, thank you so much for reminding me! Do you think Trump is meaner than he is dumb…or dumber than he is mean?”

Biden: “Great question. I have to say, uhh…he is…well, you know, look…(looks around confusedly, eyes not focusing)…oh, yeah, he is even stupider than he is nasty.”

Reporter: “Great answer, sir! May I have a follow-up question?”

Biden: “Yeah.”

Reporter: “What is your favorite television show? I mean, I know you are so busy running the country and doing the Lord’s work and all, but, when you get a chance, what do you like to watch?”

Biden: “Well, I like the Golden Girls. And Barney. Think they’re on different channels, though. And Maddow. I like Maddow.”

Different reporter: “Sir, what is your favorite cereal, assuming you eat cereal, haha? Quite a few of our readers have been demanding to know the answer to that question.”

Biden: “That’s easy: Cocoa Puffs. I’m cocoa for Cuckoo Puffs, haha. Or whatever the hell their, you know… thing…was.”

Different reporter: “Mr. President, I don’t mean to hit you with a tough question, but would you say you are prouder of your son Hunter for being selected to sit on the boards of prestigious foreign companies or for gracefully weathering the utterly baseless, totally unfounded attacks by the jackbooted, Hitlerite Republicans and their pathetic, white supremacist sycophants?”

Biden: “Both.” (Nods off. Aide races over to nudge him awake.)

Different reporter: “Mr. President, what do you say to those bigoted lunatics who don’t like the fact that you have issued an Executive Order to stop construction of the immoral, unconstitutional, boondoggle of a border wall that is totally ineffective anyway?”

Biden: “I’d tell ‘em, C’Mon man, get a clue! Look in the mirror and slap yourselves silly, you xenophobic Proud Boy fascists! I mean, check your damn white privilege at the door, okay?!”

Reporter: “May I just say, sir…that might be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard said by anyone in my life.”

Biden: (Had nodded off again. An aide rushes over to nudge him awake.) “Huh? Oh, hell yeah! Thanks!”

Different reporter: “I hesitate to even bring this up, sir, but there are those who don’t agree with your Executive Order cancelling the Keystone Pipeline. Those extremists say that it will cost many thousands of American jobs, has upset our Canadian neighbors, and that the oil will now have to be brought into the country by greenhouse-gas-emitting trucks…or be obtained from countries that are overtly hostile to us. What would you tell these malcontents?”

Biden: (Reddens) “What the hell kinda question is that? You’re from effing Fox News, aren’t you? Or are you a Trump plant? Guards! Security! Have this person removed immediately! I bet you were involved in the terrorist attack on the Capitol, weren’t you, you piece of sh*t? Have you no respect for democracy? The principles this nation was founded on? No decency? No tolerance? No class? Out! And don’t let the door hit you in the ass!” (Quietly, in an aside to his aide: “That’s it, I’m calling a lid…until, maybe, March.”)


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