Merrick Garland Senate Confirmation Hearing
Senate Judiciary Committee
Patrick Leahy (D-VT): Welcome Mr. Garland. Might I say your august reputation proceeds you into this chamber. I promise we won’t be too hard on you. (Chuckles softly.) Of course, I can’t say that about my Republican colleagues.
Garland: Thank you, senator.
Lindsey Graham (R-SC): Mr. Garland, where were you born?
Garland: That’s a difficult question, senator.
Graham: It is? (shocked)
Garland: So is that one.
Diane Feinstein (D-CA): Mr. Garland, you have a peerless educational background. I see you went to Harvard College and then graduated from Harvard Law School, correct?
Garland: That seems likely, though I don’t want to swear to it at this time.
John Cornyn (R-TX): Mr. Garland, do you believe there are more than two sexes?
Garland: That’s a very difficult question, senator.
Cornyn: No it isn’t.
Garland: Yes it is!
Cornyn: Aha! You can give a definitive answer!
Garland: I’d rather not say at this juncture.
Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI): Mr. Garland, thank you for appearing before us today. You are certainly an esteemed juror, a pillar of jurisprudence, as it were. Do you agree that Tom Brady is a cheat and a poopy face?
Garland: I haven’t really thought about it.
Mike Lee (R-UT): Mr. Garland, do you believe there is any scenario in which Trump supporters should not be considered domestic terrorists?
Garland: Maybe if it happened at night.
Lee (incredulous): Um, uh…so if the Capitol incursion had happened at night that would have been okay?
Garland: That’s hard to say…and not what I said…I think.
Amy Klobuchar (D-MN): Mr. Garland, what is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Garland: You know, madam senator…that’s a real tough one.
Ted Cruz (R-TX): Mr. Garland, do you believe in objective truth. Do you believe in reality?
Garland: Those are real puzzlers, senator Cancun…I mean Cruz. I am unprepared to comment on these kinds of questions.
Christopher Coons (D-DE): Mr. Garland, do you think Trump or Limbaugh was the bigger racist?
Tom Cotton (R-AR): Senator Coons, you might want to change your last name before you call others racist!
Coons: Says a guy whose last name is Cotton!
Josh Hawley (R-MO): For crying out loud, can we bring these proceedings back to some level of sanity, please? Mr. Garland, what are your views on global warming—or should I say ‘climate change?’
Garland: Senator, I really haven’t thought about that lately, so I don’t have an answer for you.
Mazie Hirono (D-HI): Mr. Garland, objectively speaking, do you believe that hate speech isn’t free speech and that so-called ‘Big Tech’ companies are entirely justified in their valiant efforts to cleanse their platforms from radical right-wing bullshit?
Garland: Well, I will say that I don’t much like it when people disagree with me.
John Kennedy (R-LA): Mr. Garland, let me turn that question around. Do you believe that giant multinational corporations-- and unelected judges for that matter-- have the ‘right’ to essentially and effectively repeal the Bill of Rights?
Garland: Senator JFK, I really haven’t thought about it…or anything lately…so I must plead the Fifth on that one.