Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Merrick Garland Senate Confirmation Hearing


Merrick Garland Senate Confirmation Hearing

Senate Judiciary Committee


Patrick Leahy (D-VT): Welcome Mr. Garland. Might I say your august reputation proceeds you into this chamber. I promise we won’t be too hard on you. (Chuckles softly.) Of course, I can’t say that about my Republican colleagues.

Garland: Thank you, senator.

Lindsey Graham (R-SC): Mr. Garland, where were you born?

Garland: That’s a difficult question, senator.

Graham: It is? (shocked)

Garland: So is that one.

Diane Feinstein (D-CA): Mr. Garland, you have a peerless educational background. I see you went to Harvard College and then graduated from Harvard Law School, correct?

Garland: That seems likely, though I don’t want to swear to it at this time.

John Cornyn (R-TX): Mr. Garland, do you believe there are more than two sexes?

Garland: That’s a very difficult question, senator.

Cornyn: No it isn’t.

Garland: Yes it is!

Cornyn: Aha! You can give a definitive answer!

Garland: I’d rather not say at this juncture.

Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI): Mr. Garland, thank you for appearing before us today. You are certainly an esteemed juror, a pillar of jurisprudence, as it were. Do you agree that Tom Brady is a cheat and a poopy face?

Garland: I haven’t really thought about it.

Mike Lee (R-UT): Mr. Garland, do you believe there is any scenario in which Trump supporters should not be considered domestic terrorists?

Garland: Maybe if it happened at night.

Lee (incredulous): Um, uh…so if the Capitol incursion had happened at night that would have been okay?

Garland: That’s hard to say…and not what I said…I think.

Amy Klobuchar (D-MN): Mr. Garland, what is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Garland: You know, madam senator…that’s a real tough one.

Ted Cruz (R-TX): Mr. Garland, do you believe in objective truth. Do you believe in reality?

Garland: Those are real puzzlers, senator Cancun…I mean Cruz. I am unprepared to comment on these kinds of questions.

Christopher Coons (D-DE): Mr. Garland, do you think Trump or Limbaugh was the bigger racist?

Tom Cotton (R-AR): Senator Coons, you might want to change your last name before you call others racist!

Coons: Says a guy whose last name is Cotton!

Josh Hawley (R-MO): For crying out loud, can we bring these proceedings back to some level of sanity, please? Mr. Garland, what are your views on global warming—or should I say ‘climate change?’

Garland: Senator, I really haven’t thought about that lately, so I don’t have an answer for you.

Mazie Hirono (D-HI): Mr. Garland, objectively speaking, do you believe that hate speech isn’t free speech and that so-called ‘Big Tech’ companies are entirely justified in their valiant efforts to cleanse their platforms from radical right-wing bullshit?

Garland: Well, I will say that I don’t much like it when people disagree with me.

John Kennedy (R-LA): Mr. Garland, let me turn that question around. Do you believe that giant multinational corporations-- and unelected judges for that matter-- have the ‘right’ to essentially and effectively repeal the Bill of Rights?

Garland: Senator JFK, I really haven’t thought about it…or anything lately…so I must plead the Fifth on that one.





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