50 Ways To Leave Your Whiteness

                Lately, universities across the fruited plain have conducted forums and offered classes on the “problems of whiteness.” Recently, a “Whiteness Forum” at California State University San Marcos displayed 14 poster boards detailing different ways in which students say whiteness oppresses people of color and society in general. The festive, two-hour, white-bashing extravaganza was a part of Professor Dreama Moon’s (!) “Communication of Whiteness” course.

                One student, a female African-American, recited a “poem” in which she called Africa “the greatest country in the world, where we all originated,” according to The College Fix. Her remarkable composition continued: “On a daily basis I am seen as a threat, but you get a pass because you’re white. I am an African American and by my people and country I stand. I identify not with the equality of America, but with the ‘We The People.’”

                Another scholar’s verse read: “Whiteness thrives on the hate of everyone. Realize we are all pawns in this chess game. Every day is a day to challenge whiteness.” According to The Fix, Professor Moon, who is white, stood nearby watching her charges, a smile upon her white face.

                The preposterousness of the lie being boldly promulgated here is easily grasped by substituting any other race- or group-  for “white” in this scenario. How do you think a “Blackness Forum” detailing the racist attitudes and actions of black people would have been received? An Islamic Forum? A Gay Forum? A Transgender Forum?

                But, being a typical, guilt-ridden, hyper-tolerant, weak white person, I’d like to help my fellow pasty Caucasians rid themselves of the cardinal sin of whiteness…via song:

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Think illogically
I'd like to help you in your struggle
To be free

There must be fifty ways
To leave your whiteness

She said, being a liberal I’ve just got
To intrude
And I sure do hope my meaning
Won't be lost or misconstrued
So I'll repeat myself
At the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways
To leave your whiteness…
Fifty ways to leave your whiteness

You just slip out the back, Jack
Quit going to Cannes, Stan
You don't need to be goy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to do lunch much
Just lay off the brie, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so
To see others in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To knock you down again
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways

To lose your whiteness

She said why don't we both
Just drink some malt liquor tonight
And I believe in the morning
You'll begin to see the light
And then she dissed me
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways
To leave your whiteness
Fifty ways to leave your whiteness

You just slip out the back, Jack
Quit going to Cannes, Stan
You don't need that job, Rob
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to do lunch much
Just lay off the brie, Lee
And get yourself free

I don’t know about you, but I feel better already. Where’d my malt liquor go?

(Apologies to Paul Simon)