Thursday, March 12, 2015

A Run For The Money

                Andrew Jackson’s portrait has adorned the $20 bill since 1928. “Old Hickory” made it through many battles in his time, but he may lose the one brewing now. The organizers of “Women on $20s” want to see Jackson’s likeness removed from the $20 bill, to be replaced by a woman’s such as Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman… or one of numerous others.
                At first blush this seems odd, as Andrew Jackson accomplished many things that should make him an icon to modern day liberals. He is, in fact, the fore father of the modern day Democratic Party. He dismantled the Second Bank of the United States in 1832 on policy grounds. He faced down South Carolina during the Nullification Crisis when that state’s politicians believed they had the right to nullify Federal law. He strengthened the power of the Presidency and expanded the spoils system to bolster his own political base through patronage. A sure-fire  Democratic hero, no?
                He does have two strikes against him, however. He wasn’t against using military force if necessary and he “relocated” a number of Indian tribes to the West and Southwest.
                The latter is an unfortunate, sad story. But it is not “genocide” as some now believe, including many in the “Women on 20s” group. (The group was named because 2020 marks the 100th anniversary  of  the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote. Thus they are targeting the $20 bill).
                Rosa and Harriet did do some great things, and Eleanor tried her best while putting up with her wandering husband. Some of the other women on their list to potentially bedeck the bill are not as impressive, and a few of them would be truly shameful and offensive. To whit:
                *Rachel Carson. Seriously? She authored the book “Silent Spring” back in the 1970’s. It turns out that none of her hysterical predictions have come true.
                *Betty Friedan. A vitriolic hyper-feminist with no great accomplishments on her resume’?
                Incredibly, it gets worse.
                *Margaret Sanger. She opened the first birth control clinic in the U.S., hung out with anarchists and was a member of the Socialist Party. A free-love advocate, she had affairs with psychologist Havelock Ellis (love that name) and writer H.G. Wells, among others. (Hence the urgent need for birth control, I guess). She started the precursor organization to today’s Planned Parenthood, “the American Birth Control League.” Her second husband (why do you need a second husband if you are in a free-love relationship or open marriage?), J. Noah H. Slee (you can’t make it up) was, ironically, a wealthy oil baron who funded her “reform” efforts. Margaret believed in Eugenics and in the mandatory sterilization of the mentally-ill or impaired. (Other than that she was a peach).
                Well, I for one, don’t believe this effort goes far enough.  Let’s yank all of the old white guys off our currency. George Washington on the $1 bill? The Father of our country? How passe’ and sexist! Let’s replace him with Gloria Steinem, someone of real character and achievement. Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill? How about we replace him with “Billary Clinton?” Yes, the first bill to have two people on it! Sharing is good, right? And didn’t/doesn’t Bill  love women? And Hillary is one! For counterfeit protection the shadow of Monica Lewinsky’s dress could be used on this bill. Under UV light it could turn from a faint blue to yellow. And honestly, isn’t honesty overrated?
                Or, even better, let’s put Monica herself on the $10 bill in place of Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton wasn’t ever president either and his relationship with George Washington wasn’t as close as Monica’s was with Bill. Just sayin’.
                Then there is Jane Roe (aka Norma McCorvey) of Roe v. Wade fame. The woman who brought abortion into the mainstream of American life. (Talk about genocide!). But wait, she won’t do, she’s become an anti-abortion advocate and now works with Operation Rescue to prevent them from occurring. Never mind.
                How about taking Ulysses S. Grant off the $50 dollar bill? Sure, he and Lincoln won the Civil War, preserving the Union, but he smoked cigars and drank! We could replace him with Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme who attempted to assassinate Gerald R. Ford. I mean, Ford pardoned Nixon, duh! How appropriate.
                Ben Franklin, the randy old codger, is on the $100 bill. He lived in France much of the time. He could be replaced by Patty Hearst. She actually joined the self-same terrorist group that took her hostage! That is so 2015!
                Salmon P. Chase is on the $10,000 bill. All he ever did was serve as Lincoln’s Treasury Secretary, and as a senator from Ohio, and as the 23rd governor of Ohio… and the sixth Chief Justice of the United States of America.
               Nobody alive knows who he was.
                Therefore, I propose we expunge him from that bill and replace him with Jenna Jameson. Everyone on the face of the Earth knows Jenna… and is the happier for it. And, in perfect symmetry, she now makes about $10,000 per scene. (More than George Washington made leading the Continental Army to victory over the British and ushering in this nation).

                Face value?

               Right on the money?


  (We could put Kim Kardashian on the two-dollar bill. Jefferson is on it now, but Kim  is, like, way more famous. And if, with inflation over time and the Fed’s loose money policy, a higher denomination bill is needed in the near future, Bruce Jenner might be an attractive option by that time).


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