One
might, understandably, think that I am making the following up, or at least
greatly exaggerating the tale. In this case, one would be wrong. It is the
unvarnished, unexaggerated truth. Again, this is not satire.
A
neighbor in cabin country, upon hearing that there was a black bear raiding a
nearby garbage can, referred to the bear as “they.” When informed that there
was only one bear, she was unmoved, stating that we didn’t know how the bear
“identified.”
I am
old school. I was sorely tempted to tell her (she/her?), “One doesn’t refer to
a bear as ‘they’ when there is only one bear. Why? Because it's a f***ing
bear! It ‘identifies’ as a f***ing bear! It knows what sex it is. It's
smarter than you! That's why bears are not extinct and why they can keep making
more bears! And why they don’t go around asking others what they identify as.” But
perhaps that would’ve been too aggressively truthful. Sometimes I like to take
the direct route.
The
same neighbor once released minnows into the lake from another neighbor's
minnow bucket, while stating (again, I'm not making this up) “Be free, be
free!” Not only was she potentially guilty of misdemeanor trespassing and
theft, but it is against the law to dump store-bought minnows into a
lake or river, so as to help prevent the spread of invasive species and
disease. This is not a case of “well done, good and faithful servant,” but of a
misfiring, virtue signaling retard.
Yes,
I live in Minnesota.
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