An Emerging Democrat Party Platform For 2026 And Beyond

 

A few years ago, I penned a piece titled “Democratic Party Platform 2020,” which was viewed many times on several different “platforms,” including this one. 

As we approach the 2026 and 2028 elections, I thought it might be a good time to update said piece, especially given current events.

Though Democrats don’t usually say much other than “Trump bad,” “Republicans fascists,” and “no one should ever have the right to disagree with anything we are—and aren’t—saying,” here is what the Democrat’s updated platform appears to be, in a casual format:

*We reserve the right to ban cigarettes, cigars, and pipe and chewing tobacco, while legalizing marijuana and Khat sales nationwide, with supply—and demand-- spurred by government subsidy.

*We will place additional common-sense restrictions on the sale and manufacture of firearms while simultaneously providing subsidies to our Muslim illegal alien community to help them purchase the knives and swords they so desperately need.

*We will place common-sense restrictions on the practice of Christianity-- and its possibly even more evil cohort, nationalism—while providing the welcoming environment that our peaceful and burgeoning Muslim community needs to continue to thrive. We will strive to aid CAIR and other organizations—foreign and domestic—that assist Muslims in continuing to insert-- and assert-- themselves into Western society.

*We vow to starve ideologically driven faux media outlets like Fox News and the New York Post of all funding, while shutting down any and all platforms they have to reach their audience, while at the same time lavishly funding and supporting unbiased outlets such as MSNBC, CNN, Slate, Salon, The Daily Beast, The Huffington Post, and The New York Times, to name a few. Only by utterly eradicating the enemy conservative press can we make sure people get factual information that they can trust to help us protect our beloved democracy and keep Democrats in power for eternity.

*Similarly, we will further enhance empathy, civil discourse, tolerance, and inclusiveness, by attempting to eradicate-- by any means necessary-- our political opponents from the face of the Earth.

*We vow to enshrine unfettered abortion and medical-assistance-in-dying as inherent human rights, replacing the outmoded First and Second Amendment “rights.”

*We will strive to make it illegal for anyone to sport a Christian or Jewish symbol on their body.

*We will encourage, support-- and lavishly fund—the transitioning of one sex or gender to another, regardless of age, parental desire, or overall physical or mental health.  

*We promise to also eradicate any borders or barriers to this great nation filled with bigots, racists, homophobes, transphobes, and deplorable rubes, so that anyone who wishes to come here can do so without fear of deportation. We will do this by taxing the rich at unprecedented levels and diverting much of their income to provide free aid and succor, food, clothing, shelter, healthcare-- and a few grand in spending money every month—to those amazing non-citizens (and mostly peaceful non-criminals) who enter this country illegally. The rest will go to erect a stout, 30-foot-high permanent (and electrified) wall around the Capitol so that when Democrats once again control all three branches of government—and we will, very soon, as it is our right—another Jan. 6 can never again occur.

*We will work tirelessly to advance the cause of a Palestinian state while we also work to destroy the state of Israel, Allahu Akhbar! God willing. Who do these uppity Jews think they are, anyway?

*Diversity is our greatest value. Therefore we will stand with those in our Pakistani, Somali, and other non-assimilating undocumented migrant communities, regardless of their proclivity to rape, gang-rape, stab, or otherwise confront their white supremacist oppressors. We will work to overturn the Crapitalist—oops, we mean Capitalist system (giggle), that, though some say has lifted billions out of poverty, has never guaranteed an equal outcome for everybody regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, talent, or effort. We will make sure no one—NO ONE—has more than anyone else. Of anything. No matter what. Will this necessarily disincentivize hard work, effort, employment, competition, excellence, and entrepreneurship? Yes, but equity trumps all. Diversity is to be desired in all things except thought and income. Period!

*As progressives, today we know that someone’s “good” is another’s “evil,” and vice-versa. And who are we to judge? Therefore, we vow to promote the new progressive concept of “transmorality,” the ethos that “morality” (such a judgmental word) is not absolute or even knowable, but fluid, just like the Constitution-- and everything else. We vow to support, aid, and abet transmoralists everywhere. Trans pride!