Welcome To The Islamic Caliphate Beauty Pageant!

Muhammed Abdul-Kalik (MAK):  “Well, here we are at the first annual ‘Islamic Caliphate Beauty Pageant’, sponsored by Cialis, and I, for one, couldn’t be more excited!”

Mohammed Al-Darkowi (MAD): “And I couldn’t agree with you more, Muhammed! I got a peek at a few of those burqas backstage earlier, and…zowie!”

MAK: “I know just what you mean, Mohammed, I saw a couple of them as well!” (wipes brow with kaffiyeh)

MAD: “So, without further ado, let’s introduce the contestants, shall we?”

MAK: “Absolutely!”

MAD: “First we have Miss Iraq…coming down the runway now resplendent in a black burqa. Look at those dark eyes, fairly smoldering…”

MAK: “I’d say! And after her…Miss Syria in a black burqa with…do my eyes deceive me? There appears to be a little white lace around her cuffs. Crazy!”

MAD: “Wow. Next we have Miss Yemen! She is wearing a black burqa with black sensible shoes…very nice for kitchen work and such…and, she appears to be wearing a ring on the middle finger of her left hand…will that disqualify her, Muhammed?”

MAK: “Well, it certainly would have in the past, but the rules have been loosened up so much lately that it’s anybody’s guess, Mohammed!”

MAD: “Anyway, look at those beautiful, black eyes as she walks past us. Next up is…Miss Hezbollah! She is decked out in a brown burqa with side pockets…better for carrying small bombs and nails, etc. Very practical, yet sexy… the judges will still give her high scores, I think…”

MAK: “And look at Miss Hamas! The judges are going to like that camouflaged burqa. Very daring. Oh, no, I think she’s had a terrible wardrobe malfunction! It appears her naqib has slipped off on one side! Dear Allah, I can see her left earlobe! Cut! Stop the cameras while they get her offstage!”

<Pause, camera pans ceiling of building>

MAD: “Well, that was unfortunate, but things are back under control now…and here comes Miss I.S.I.S.! I don’t know about you, our viewing audience, but the first thing I notice on her is her…smoldering eyes!”

MAK: “Yes, and she is absolutely rocking that olive-colored burqa.”

MAD: “Following her is Miss Al-Qaeda, in a lovely black and white burqa and sporting what appears to be a handwritten sign that says ‘Close Gitmo For Good.’ That kind of extra attention to detail will go a long way with the judges.”

MAK: “That and the intense look in those dark eyes!”

MAD: “It’s time for a word from our sponsor. When we come back, we’ll have each of the contestants answer one question and then it’s up to the judges. I can hardly wait to see who is crowned ‘Miss Islamic Caliphate!’”

<Break>

MAD: “We are back here at the Miss Islamic Caliphate Beauty Pageant. Let’s remind everyone at home how the scoring works. Forty percent of  each contestants total score is determined by the burqa competition, thirty percent by the talent contest and thirty percent by how well they answer the upcoming questions. Miss I.S.I.S. blew away the judges earlier this evening with her machete’ juggling act, so I’ve got to think she may be the favorite in the talent competition, although Miss Al-Qaeda surprised everyone here when she threw complimentary I.E.D.’s into the crowd while riding in the back of a white Toyota pick-up and singing Whitney Houston’s “One Moment In Time!”

MAK: “Very true. Well, the contestants in this segment go in reverse order from the burqa competition and I see we are ready to ask Miss Al-Qaeda her question.
“What would you do if a stray dog showed up on the doorstep of your hut?”

Miss Al-Qaeda: “Well, first I’d try to gain its trust and take it in. Then I’d probably give it to my  husband so he could film it while it died writhing in a sarin gas experiment to show the infidels our power.”

Miss Al-Qaeda: “Oh, and also… we have to stop global warming!!”

MAK: “Well done. Excellent answer!” (takes kaffiyeh and dabs at his eyes).

MAD: “O.k., Miss I.S.I.S., are you ready for your question?”

Miss I.S.I.S.: “Yes.”

MAD: “If you had only one wish, and you knew it would come true…what would it be?”

Miss I.S.I.S.: “I would hope that all the peoples of the world could come together as one and live forever in peace and harmony. Except for the Jews, citizens of ‘the Great Satan,’ gays, Christians, Hindus, and assorted other infidels, of course. They will be converted, enslaved or slayed without mercy, Inshallah!”

<Reception is lost due to ‘technical difficulties.’>