December 30, 2051-
Scientists Discover That Sex Can Be Used For Procreation
In a stunning report issued yesterday, Thursday, December 29th, a team of scientists from the Johnson & Johnson & Johnson Institute for Human Behavioral Research (JJJIHBR) released results from a recent long-term study where one participant allegedly got pregnant from an act the scientists termed “coitus”.
Birthrates in the U.S. have been falling for decades until hitting ‘0’ in recent years. The resultant aging of the country has only been countered by massive immigration. This has coincided with the vast acceptance- and practice- of gay marriage and the staggering increase in transgendered and gender-questioning individuals. Some right-wing religious nuts say that these are factors in the U.S. not experiencing a live birth in seven years. The ‘nutters’ also claim that the continued breakdown of the family, the near continuous economic slump and the proliferation of various adult ‘toys’ and ‘self-pleasuring’ are additional factors. These, along with the tolerance and proliferation of any imaginable act and the continued marginalization and feminization of males are keys to understanding the phenomenon many ‘Tea-baggers’ say. They cite recent surveys showing that the few remaining males in heterosexual marriages have a near 100% rate of impotence and corresponding rates of “E.D.” This is due in part, they claim, to television and movie portrayals and in part due to the fact that the few remaining females in heterosexual marriages satisfy themselves chiefly through their television shows where everyone else is doing it and talking about it all the time, and by reading books about perfect, yet ironically macho, masculine, males ravishing the female protagonist, otherwise known as “them”. These males are chiseled of body, wealthy- or both- always conveying power, according to one of the few remaining male-support groups. Yet in real life, they claim, these females typically get mad if their husbands are fixated on looks, corresponding femininity and ‘sexiness’, and often say things like, “too tired tonight, help me with the damn dishes for once” before going off to read alone in bed.
Some extremists say there is even more to it than that. They posit that the rise in the number of people addicted to video games and on-line content and the fact that almost no one engages another human being directly anymore, typically only communicating with another person via their modern “hyper-smart” phones have also been factors in the birth-rate dwindling down to zero.
In any case, according to the researchers, all of this, along with the rise in artificial-insemination, has led to a virtual society-wide memory failure regarding what the scientists termed “coitus”, which they say, based on anatomical evidence, is apparently “specifically designed” to be engaged in by one man and one woman, and can thus potentially produce children! Belinda Lafleur, co-head of the study stated flatly, “ as hard a concept as it is to grasp, there can now be no question that this is the way nature intended for us to bond and produce children.” After this startling realization sunk in, the researchers delivered some bad news, stating that, “ since 87% of the native-born population is now too old to try this new method with any hope of success, even if they wanted to, it may already be too late for this country to reverse the course it has been on now for all these years. Climax change is here to stay.”
The scientists were taken aback by their own findings. Richard Johnson, the other study co-head, exclaimed, “We’re all just hornswoggled now. I mean just stupefied. I, for one, never saw this coming.”
Many in mainstream groups such as ‘GLBT Forever’ and ‘NAMBLA’ have taken profound issue with the findings, some going so far as to call the so-called findings “disturbing, sick, unfounded & pushing the envelope for the simple shock value of doing so.”
The head of Queer Nation opined that “this kind of over-inclusive tolerance leads us on a very slippery slope. And I don’t like the reference to ‘nature’. It’s too easy a step from there to ‘nature’s God’ and similar hurtful terms. It’s one thing for the minority to have its little say, but last I checked, the majority still rules in this country. You know, just sayin’.”