December 30, 2051-
News Syndicate
Scientists Discover
That Sex Can Be Used For Procreation
In a stunning report issued
yesterday, Thursday, December 29th, a team of scientists from the
Johnson & Johnson & Johnson Institute for Human Behavioral Research
(JJJIHBR) released results from a recent long-term study where one participant
allegedly got pregnant from an act the scientists termed “coitus”.
Birthrates in the U.S. have been falling for
decades until hitting ‘0’ in recent years. The resultant aging of the country
has only been countered by massive immigration. This has coincided with the
vast acceptance- and practice- of gay marriage and the staggering increase in transgendered and
gender-questioning individuals. Some right-wing religious nuts say that these
are factors in the U.S. not experiencing a live birth in seven years. The ‘nutters’ also claim that the continued
breakdown of the family, the near
continuous economic slump and the proliferation of various adult ‘toys’ and
‘self-pleasuring’ are additional factors. These, along with the tolerance and
proliferation of any imaginable act and the continued marginalization and
feminization of males are keys to understanding the phenomenon many
‘Tea-baggers’ say. They cite recent surveys showing that the few remaining
males in heterosexual marriages have a near 100% rate of impotence and corresponding rates of “E.D.” This is due in part, they claim, to television and
movie portrayals and in part due to the fact that the few remaining females in
heterosexual marriages satisfy themselves chiefly through their television
shows where everyone else is doing it
and talking about it all the time, and by reading books about perfect, yet ironically macho,
masculine, males ravishing the female protagonist, otherwise known as “them”. These
males are chiseled of body, wealthy- or both- always conveying power, according
to one of the few remaining male-support groups. Yet in real life, they claim,
these females typically get mad if their husbands
are fixated on looks, corresponding femininity and ‘sexiness’, and often say
things like, “too tired tonight, help me with the damn dishes for once” before
going off to read alone in bed.
Some extremists say there is even
more to it than that. They posit that the rise in the number of people addicted
to video games and on-line content and the fact that almost no one engages
another human being directly anymore,
typically only communicating with another person via their modern “hyper-smart”
phones have also been factors in the birth-rate dwindling down to zero.
In any case, according to the researchers, all of this, along with the
rise in artificial-insemination, has led to a
virtual society-wide memory failure regarding what the scientists termed
“coitus”, which they say, based on anatomical evidence, is apparently “specifically
designed” to be engaged in by one man and one woman, and
can thus potentially produce children! Belinda Lafleur, co-head of the study
stated flatly, “ as hard a concept as it is to grasp, there can now be no
question that this is the way nature intended for us to bond and produce children.”
After this startling realization sunk in, the researchers delivered some bad
news, stating that, “ since 87% of the native-born population is now too old to
try this new method with any hope of success, even if they wanted to, it may
already be too late for this country to reverse the course it has been on now
for all these years. Climax change is here to stay.”
The scientists were taken aback by
their own findings. Richard Johnson, the other study co-head, exclaimed, “We’re
all just hornswoggled now. I mean just stupefied. I, for one, never saw this
coming.”
Many in mainstream groups such as ‘GLBT Forever’ and ‘NAMBLA’
have taken profound issue with the findings, some going so far as to call the
so-called findings “disturbing, sick, unfounded & pushing the envelope for
the simple shock value of doing so.”
The head of Queer Nation opined
that “this kind of over-inclusive tolerance leads us on a very slippery slope.
And I don’t like the reference to ‘nature’. It’s too easy a step from there to
‘nature’s God’ and similar hurtful terms. It’s one thing for the minority to
have its little say, but last I checked, the majority still rules in this
country. You know, just sayin’.”
No comments:
Post a Comment