January 28, 2015, 10:31 a.m.-
Welcome to HealthCare.gov Mrs. Claire Johnson from 555 Main St., Anywhereville, WI.! We hope you found the log-in process to be easy-peasy and stress free! In order to serve you better and make for a more complete and enjoyable consumer experience, we need to ask you just a few more questions. Rest assured we only collect relevant information that we don’t have already and that your privacy is our utmost concern!
First off, how long have you smoked Camel Light cigarettes? Mrs. Johnson?
I, I don’t know…I guess about 10 or 12 years now. How did you now I smoke Camel Lights? And why does the brand matter, anyway?
You do want access to healthcare, don’t you Mrs. Johnson?
Yes, of course, but-
We’ll ask the questions here, Mrs. Johnson, okay?
How long have you been pregnant, Mrs. Johnson?
Pregnant? What do you mean? How…
Remember that evening about a month ago when you and your husband had that bottle of Southern Comfort and he actually watched an entire ‘romcom’ with you?
Well…yes, but…oh, my…that would explain why- holy crap!
Don’t worry, you won’t show for awhile, even with twins!
How do you…? Wait a minute, I wasn’t aware this was even an interactive site! Twins?! !&$@F*S!!
Surely you’ve heard President Obama talk about all the improvements we’ve made to the site in the past few months?
Well, I guess so…
Back to the questions then, Claire. Are you going to take some time off work after giving birth?
Three months, yes.
Can we assume your husband has finally found a job, then? What will his starting salary be?
He’s going to get paid by the hour. I think, like, $10/hr. He can’t work more than 30 hours a week for some reason.
Anyway, did you enjoy that McDonald’s breakfast sandwich you got at the State Street & Vine Avenue location this morning, Claire?
What? How the F!*ki#@^s! Did you know that?!
Put the cigarette down, Claire, and no cursing! You’re going to have to make that your last cigarette until after the kids are born, you know! By-the-way, this being a health care site, we suggest you get that mole in your ‘swimsuit area’ looked at immediately…or whenever they can see you…most care providers are a little backed up lately...must be the changing climate! We can recommend a provider if you like, Claire? Claire? Mrs. Johnson?
Claire, we’d like to thank you for accessing Healthcare.gov ‘where your health is our business.’