White House
Oval Office
April 7
9:00 PM EDT
President Trump: My
fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to tell it to you straight. Crime
is bad. Criminal actually. Violent crime is really bad. But apparently not to
Democrats like Sleepy Joe Biden who imported crime—and criminals—lots and lots
and lots of criminals, into this country. So many millions. Terrible. And the
fentanyl plague is terrible, killing a hundred thousand Americans a year if not
more. Some think way more. But the ‘fake news’ outlets won’t cover that like
they should. I don’t know, I guess you can’t make an ‘immigrant’ look bad. Fake
news. Inflation is bad, too. Bad for the economy, bad for lower income folks
trying to get by. The genital mutilation of children, that’s really, really
bad…horrible, actually. But not to Democrats. Democrats love it. Irritable
bowel syndrome, IBS I guess they call it, not so good either. The plague. Bad,
too. And the devil, Satan himself, old ‘Lucifer…’ he’s the worst of all. Yet he
seems to be doing well around the world, wouldn’t you say? So much crime,
suffering, and war. Endless wars. Let me state this as clearly as I can: I am
against all of these things. All of them. Especially the devil. But I’m sure
the Democrats will find a way to turn even this against me, with help from the
lamestream media, fake news. But that doesn’t matter, with your help we will
make America safe again, we will make America healthy again, and we will make
America less Satanic again! Thank you all. Good night, and may God bless
America.
Democratic response (Tim
Walz): My fellow Americans, African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Native
Americans, Muslim Americans, members of the LGBTQIIA+ Community, and various
other Peoples of Color and marginalized peoples, If we are to believe President
Trump, all crime is bad. But some crime is good. The many, many impoverished
people, suffering under Trump’s economy, have no choice but to steal. Real
crime, the bad kind, is white collar crime. It is, for example, Elon Musk
stealing all of our social security numbers and much of our money! It is Trump
not following the dictates of our hard-working judges! We mustn’t paint all of
those in the legally-challenged community with the same broad brush. Um, I
apologize to inseminated persons and those who identify as female for using the
term ‘broad.’ Sometimes I’m a dunderhead. Anyway, some illnesses and plagues
are bad, especially the ones that disproportionately affect marginalized
communities, but some, like the coronavirus pandemic, do some good things, too.
The planet was able to breathe and recover a bit during the nearly worldwide
lockdowns. Animals roamed wider and more freely. And much fewer greenhouse
gases were spewed into our atmosphere! Finally, we should not leap to judgement
and smear Satan as bad, just as we shouldn’t automatically believe God is
great, or at least the Christian God and Savior. Too many of us are still too
quick to judge, and that is a bad thing indeed! In fact, we must make certain
that The Church of Satan has the same right to public spaces and facilities as
any other religion. To that end, I am proposing that after-school Satan clubs
be offered in every school district in my home state of Minnesota. In
Minnesota, we’re also showing the way by being a sanctuary state for undocumented
migrants, those seeking transgender care, and those seeking abortions! We’ll
kill your fetuses and change your kid’s sex, but we won’t deport them! Now
that’s progressive in my book! Tolerance, Inclusivity and Non-judgementalism,
or ‘TIN,’ it’s the Minnesota Way…and, by golly, it should be the American Way,
too. Hopefully, it will be soon. Good night and Gaia bless!
[FADE]
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