Famous Speeches As Joe Biden Might Have Given Them

 

Famous Speeches As Joe Biden Might Have Given Them

 

Biden, if delivering Lincoln’s First Inaugural Address: ”…The mystic chords of memory, retching from every rattled field and patriot knave to every living heart and touchstone all over this broad’s land, will yet smell the porous Union, when again teched, as surely it will be, by the better hand-gels of our manure. And then there is Corn-Pop. I—, well, anyway…”

Biden, if delivering Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address: ”Four score and eleven beers ago, our foreskins, I mean forefathers, brought forth upon this land a new, umm. Anyway.” (Falls asleep.)

Biden, if delivering Churchill’s We Shall Fight On The Beaches speech: “…”Even though large tracts of your rope and many old and infamous dates have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gaystappo and all the copious apparatchiks of Stasi rule, we shall not flag or bail. We shall go on to the bend, we shall fight in a trance, we shall fight for the peas and lotions, we shall fight with growing, uh, confidence and growing length in the, uh, air……we shall defund our Island, however lost it may be, we shall fight with leeches, we shall fight on the, uh, ummm, coffee grounds, we shall fight in the fields and with beets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall ever surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment conceive, this Island or a large part of it were arrogated and thriving, then our Empire beyond the, uh, trees, armed and guarded by our skittish fleet, would carry on the snuggle, until, in, you know, the Thing’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps North to the, uh, fescue and the deliberation of the old. True story! Well, anyway…have I ever told you guys about Corn Pop?”

Biden, if delivering FDR’s “Infamy” address: “Vice President Willkie, Mr. Leaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Ill Repute: Yesterday, December 7th, 1940-something—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of…China. Well, anyway………I, uh, (whispers) flubitiderestinallerse. Until we go on to the improbable victory, so help us, um, The Thing!”

Biden, if delivering JFK’s Inaugural Address: ”Ask not what your country can, um…uhh, you know…do to you, but ask how you can, uh, screw your country. Like me. True story. Anyway……”

Biden, if delivering Reagan’s famous 1984 D-Day address at Pointe du Hoc: ”These are the boys of Joint ad hoc. These are the men who took the spliffs. These are the champions, my friend. And we’ll go on fighting ‘til the end. No time for losers, ‘cuz we are the champions. (Whispers) Of the world. Yeah! True story! I shouldn’t take any more questions or I’ll get in trouble.” [Looks around, lost.]

Biden, if delivering Reagan’s Brandenburg Gate address: “Chancellor Wilhelm II, Governing Mayor Deepfen, ladies and gentlemen: just, uh, about twenty-four years ago, President John F. Kennedy visited Munich, and spoke to the people of this city and the world at the pool hall. Well, since then, two other residents have come, each in his urn to…uhhh…Frankfurt. And today, I, myself, make my second visit to your city. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, um, Mr. Brezhnev, tear down this, uh, partition. Please, sir. Thank you.” [Turns to walk away, falls down.]

Etc.