This just in! From the Journal of Experimental Biology
(sounds a little “Third Reichish” for my tastes) comes results of a study to
determine how global warming affects spider
locomotion. I don’t want to keep you
waiting breathlessly, so let’s get right to the findings, shall we?
You
could probably have guessed that previous studies have found that global
warming will indeed have a profound effect on spiders. There will be lots more
of them! Yes, researchers claim warmer weather will lead to more spiders… and bigger ones! They also believe that a
warming planet will “likely” have the effect of making poisonous spiders more common. Of course.
But the
new study claims that spiders will
get faster, too. Since spiders rely
on fluid to move their (previously) little limbs, researchers for the study
wanted to test how temperature changes their ability to move. They found that
at 59 degrees Fahrenheit, the spiders moved no faster than 20 centimeters a
second. At the highest temperature tested, however, they nearly tripled that speed. Yet, they weren’t
taking bigger steps…just more of them. They went from four steps a second to a
high of ten steps a second.
This led
to the study’s second blockbuster finding: the higher temperatures made the
spiders clumsier. The researchers posit that the fluid that
controls their limb movement just can’t keep up with the high speeds that come
with high temperatures. Therefore, the arachnid’s joints weren’t as coordinated
as they were at lower temperatures.
This
reporter felt it his duty to make you all aware of the nightmare that’s surely
coming: throngs of rapidly traveling spiders pin-balling off each other and
careening drunkenly off of inanimate objects all around.
Come to
think of it, just watching Daddy-Long-Legs spiders tumble all over will be
worth the price of admission!
Yes,
scientists say we are soon to face an onslaught unlike any other. Earth will
essentially become one big arachnid mosh pit.
So be on the lookout for vast hordes of giant,
poisonous spiders. They will be moving fast.
And stumbling into everything in
sight.
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