Sunday, May 1, 2022

The Top Twenty Things I Wish Elon Musk Would Buy Next

Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter, though not finalized as of this writing, has caused leftists and other assorted cranks and poke-noses to whine, cry, and hold their breath while stomping their feet. It has gladdened and amused most of the rest of us, many of whom have been victims of the vast left-wing media conspiracy. Especially so as virtually all other major social media outlets, and the mainstream media as a whole, are far to the left of center. 

It has also caused some of us, myself included, to ponder what else Musk could purchase…or could have purchased…at least in a dream world. Ergo, the following is a list of entities I wish Musk could acquire. Drumroll please.

                  The Top Twenty Things I Wish Elon Musk Would/Could Buy Next:

1)      The U.N. (Could he get this international den of thieves and authoritarians to grant equal time to Israel?)

2)      San Francisco (Since he founded Tesla and SpaceX and made them successful, perhaps he could get the needles and feces off the streets and sidewalks of the City by The Bay.)

3)      Ben & Jerry’s (Instead of naming ice cream after progressive political candidates, perhaps the company could start giving its frozen dairy confections monikers that pertain to their flavors or ingredients. Crazy, I know.)

4)      Netflix (Goodbye Barack and Michelle, hello to shows that don’t slander straight white males and Christians?)

5)      Gillette (Instead of demonizing masculinity and celebrating transgenderism, perhaps the company could focus on, oh, I don’t know, maybe making quality shaving products?)

6)      Starbucks (Turns out, there is no need for political indoctrination with your coffee order!)

7)      Target (Perhaps the retailer could go back to having separate bathrooms and changing rooms for men and women-- and having more than two or three non-self-service checkout lanes open.)

8)      Disney (Some have suggested this already, for obvious reasons. Copycatting here.)

9)      Nike (Phil Knight is also a billionaire, so not likely. But Musk could move the company from Oregon to, say, Texas, Florida, South Dakota, or Tennessee. And stop the ceaseless flow of money from Nike to the University of Oregon. Maybe then the school’s football team wouldn’t debut a new uniform every week, most of them looking like something RuPaul might wear after a few cocktails and magic mushrooms. If “she” were a football player.)

10)   The Washington Post (Jeff Bezos is almost as rich as Musk is, so this won’t happen, either. But it should. Musk’s tweets are better examples of “journalism” than can be found in this rag.)

11)   MSNBC (He could do the world a solid by pink-slipping Joy Reid.)

12)   PBS (What’s worse than indoctrination? Government funded-- meaning taxpayer funded-- indoctrination. What’s worse than government funded indoctrination? Condescending, boring government funded indoctrination. Musk could make PBS freer, more open-minded, more diverse in terms of thought, more fun…and more interesting.)

13)   NPR (See above.)

14)   Venezuela (If Musk can single-handedly start a company that can get rockets to space and back, surely he could jump-start the economy of the nation that was once the richest in Latin America.)

15)   Space (Hard to put a price on “space,” but what a wonderful solar system it would be if Musk could purchase it out from under the tyrannical and imperialistic noses of China and the Soviet Union Russia.)

16)   The FBI (Instead of its agents investigating innocent, garden-variety Americans, perhaps they could investigate why crime is rampant and our borders are open. Elon?)*

17)   The DHS (See above.)*

18)   The DOJ (See above.)*

19)   The CIA (Instead of playing politics and trying to oust an American president its leaders don’t like, is it too much to ask that it gather helpful intelligence and attempt to protect the U.S. from foreign enemies? Elon?)*

20)   The Defense Intelligence Agency (If Musk oversaw this agency, perhaps we could find out why Biden’s America left no less than $7 billion in military equipment in Afghanistan. Perhaps we could even put the “defense” and “intelligence” back into the agency.)*

*Yes, I know these are government agencies, but perhaps a couple of them shouldn’t be.




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