The federal government announced today that it has decided to “contract” the state of Minnesota.
“We wish to make this very clear. This has nothing to do with succession. Minnesota was firmly against this move from the outset” stated the government spokesman. “The federal government alone is responsible for this action. The evidence that called for this move is pervasive, self-evident and overwhelming.
“To wit: the University of Minnesota’s sports teams routinely lose to their neighboring North Dakota and North Dakota State teams…despite having several times the student body population of these schools. Indeed they are challenged by South Dakota’s teams on occasion, too. We won’t even start in on Wisconsin with the Packers and the Badgers. Hell, their own fans get shouted down in their own bars and restaurants! These are just neighboring states. If we look at Texas, for example…ugggh. The first ever ‘hail Mary’ pass in 1975 beat the Vikings. Dallas then took your Minnesota North Stars professional hockey team. The State of Hockey? Really? You had a 31-0 lead in a bowl game-held in Texas no less- on Texas Tech…and lost? Is that humanly possible?!!!? Louisiana? Vikes lost Bountygate to the Saints when they were clearly the better team. The big bad Gophers men’s hockey team? Lost to Air force and Yale…and ‘Union’ (with a student body approximately 47,000 less than the ‘U’) … just in the last few years?!!!! Michigan? The ‘U’ Had a 28-0 lead-at home- going into the 4th quarter…and lost?? Holy crap!
“New York? 41-donut. (Some sports historians now use the term ‘bagel’ ). California? Steve Young…’the Run’. They lost their pro basketball team to Los Angeles-the Lakers yet! Woulda thought they coulda kept that one. That was decades ago and they haven’t gotten a new professional basketball team yet! What? The Timberwolves?
“ Nebraska? Is this a typo? It says here that in 1983 you lost at home to the Cornhuskers…84-13 (giggles, recomposes himself). The ‘Love Boat’. The ‘whizzonater’. We could go on and on.
“The business climate. The regulatory burden. The taxation.
“The climate climate! (Embarrass, Minnesota is aptly named! Several days with temperatures lower than 40 below zero this past winter)? Ice covering lakes from November into May? Six months? Really? Half of the friggin’ year?
“ Jessie (the ‘Body’) Ventura. Al Franken. Governor Goofy. The ONLY state in the union that voted for Walter Mondale over Ronald Reagan. Number 1 in voter fraud?
“The state is basically one massive non-viable tissue mass crying out for after-birth abortion!
“So we will return the state to a territory ( from which neighboring states will be allowed to absorb any parts they deem beneficial. For example North Dakota may want to incorporate the many natural wonders, the sheer physical beauty and diversity of the land. South Dakota may want the Twin Cities metropolis. Iowa may want a lake or two to call their own. Wisconsin may want a professional hockey team, and so on). We are perfectly happy to go back to 49 states. That said, perhaps a better functioning government like, say, Puerto Rico’s, could lead them to become our second 50th state. Or if things get too chaotic in the new Minnesota Territory we could envision a new ‘East Dakota’ being formed as a viable second 50th state as well”.