The EPA Announces New Light-Pollution Guidelines

                The EPA announced vastly more stringent and restrictive “personal light” pollution guidelines yesterday, to the general approval of anti-light activists around the nation. The new rules, which go in effect July 1^st, will affect mainly suburban and rural residents.

                Landscape lighting, that staple of upscale modern suburban yards, will be hit the hardest by the new regulations. Each individual light in a household’s landscape lighting system will now be required to be “no brighter than an average firefly,” or approximately ½ of one lumen. Moreover, every other light in a sequence of lights will have to emit no light whatsoever. EPA chief Charles Do-gooder stated, “You know how there is Coors and Coors Light or Bud and Bud Light? Well, now there are Lights…and Lights Lights! There is still light there, just not as much of it.”

                There are other new restrictions as well, such as the limit on “rope” lighting. These lights are commonly used in some areas on patios and decks, and, especially, in portable ice houses across the northern tier of the country. The new laws restrict the length of these lights to ½ the length of the structure, or eight feet, whichever is less.

                Portable lanterns, such as those used by campers, have been banned entirely, except for those powered by rechargeable batteries. “Propane or gas lanterns that generate an actual flame are obviously far too dangerous to be allowed to exist,” stated an anti-light spokesperson. “Besides the blatant risk that they may cause  a forest fire, they are bright enough to induce temporary night-blindness in several owl species.” He went on to state that disposable battery operated lanterns pose a different threat to the environment, in-so-far-as the batteries themselves, when discarded, can leach lead and other chemicals into the ecosystem.

                Head lamps and hat lights face new lumen limits, too. These lights, popular because they allow the wearer to see at night while retaining the full use of both hands, will now also have to be positioned at the back of the wearer’s head, so as not to risk affecting the night vision of others in the area that he/she may be looking towards.

Book-light regulations have likewise been revised, but the new restrictions are dependent not on the light itself, but rather on the book or books they are to be used to read, and where the books are to be read. If the book is to be read indoors, the light can be up to a maximum of 30 lumens. If, however, the book is to be read outdoors, the cap on lumens is 4.

However, if the book in question is  “of an honest, tolerant, progressive nature,” there are no restrictions on the lighting tool’s brightness. If it is a “typically biased work by intolerant, right-wing, jack-booted thugs,” the light can be no more than 1/3 of a lumen.

 It is now illegal to attempt to use any form of portable lighting while trying to read a book published by Regnery Publishing, Inc.

Introducing the Insurgent Mood Ring™!

                Outfit your favorite jihadist with the new Insurgent Mood Ring™  from the “Caliphate Collection” by Middle Ages Jewelry, LLC. This ring can be worn on any finger and even comes with an attachment that allows it to be affixed to the nose!

                Now you, your friends and loved ones can tell how any jihadist sporting this ring is feeling.

                White means: “I’m angry/kill the infidels.”

    Black means: “I’m angry/kill the infidels.”

    Green means: “I am feeling spiritual/it’s time for prayers.”

    Gray means:  “I’m angry/kill the infidels.”

    Purple means: “that is a really good looking goat.”

    Blue means: “I need a hug.”

    Red means: “I’m really, really angry/kill more infidels!”

                 A properly accessorized jihadist is a happy jihadist! And, with his or her new Insurgent Mood Ring™, you’ll be able to tell at a glance!

Welcome To The Islamic Caliphate Beauty Pageant!

Muhammed Abdul-Kalik (MAK):  “Well, here we are at the first annual ‘Islamic Caliphate Beauty Pageant’, sponsored by Cialis, and I, for one, couldn’t be more excited!”

Mohammed Al-Darkowi (MAD): “And I couldn’t agree with you more, Muhammed! I got a peek at a few of those burqas backstage earlier, and…zowie!”

MAK: “I know just what you mean, Mohammed, I saw a couple of them as well!” (wipes brow with kaffiyeh)

MAD: “So, without further ado, let’s introduce the contestants, shall we?”

MAK: “Absolutely!”

MAD: “First we have Miss Iraq…coming down the runway now resplendent in a black burqa. Look at those dark eyes, fairly smoldering…”

MAK: “I’d say! And after her…Miss Syria in a black burqa with…do my eyes deceive me? There appears to be a little white lace around her cuffs. Crazy!”

MAD: “Wow. Next we have Miss Yemen! She is wearing a black burqa with black sensible shoes…very nice for kitchen work and such…and, she appears to be wearing a ring on the middle finger of her left hand…will that disqualify her, Muhammed?”

MAK: “Well, it certainly would have in the past, but the rules have been loosened up so much lately that it’s anybody’s guess, Mohammed!”

MAD: “Anyway, look at those beautiful, black eyes as she walks past us. Next up is…Miss Hezbollah! She is decked out in a brown burqa with side pockets…better for carrying small bombs and nails, etc. Very practical, yet sexy… the judges will still give her high scores, I think…”

MAK: “And look at Miss Hamas! The judges are going to like that camouflaged burqa. Very daring. Oh, no, I think she’s had a terrible wardrobe malfunction! It appears her naqib has slipped off on one side! Dear Allah, I can see her left earlobe! Cut! Stop the cameras while they get her offstage!”

<Pause, camera pans ceiling of building>

MAD: “Well, that was unfortunate, but things are back under control now…and here comes Miss I.S.I.S.! I don’t know about you, our viewing audience, but the first thing I notice on her is her…smoldering eyes!”

MAK: “Yes, and she is absolutely rocking that olive-colored burqa.”

MAD: “Following her is Miss Al-Qaeda, in a lovely black and white burqa and sporting what appears to be a handwritten sign that says ‘Close Gitmo For Good.’ That kind of extra attention to detail will go a long way with the judges.”

MAK: “That and the intense look in those dark eyes!”

MAD: “It’s time for a word from our sponsor. When we come back, we’ll have each of the contestants answer one question and then it’s up to the judges. I can hardly wait to see who is crowned ‘Miss Islamic Caliphate!’”

<Break>

MAD: “We are back here at the Miss Islamic Caliphate Beauty Pageant. Let’s remind everyone at home how the scoring works. Forty percent of  each contestants total score is determined by the burqa competition, thirty percent by the talent contest and thirty percent by how well they answer the upcoming questions. Miss I.S.I.S. blew away the judges earlier this evening with her machete’ juggling act, so I’ve got to think she may be the favorite in the talent competition, although Miss Al-Qaeda surprised everyone here when she threw complimentary I.E.D.’s into the crowd while riding in the back of a white Toyota pick-up and singing Whitney Houston’s “One Moment In Time!”

MAK: “Very true. Well, the contestants in this segment go in reverse order from the burqa competition and I see we are ready to ask Miss Al-Qaeda her question.
“What would you do if a stray dog showed up on the doorstep of your hut?”

Miss Al-Qaeda: “Well, first I’d try to gain its trust and take it in. Then I’d probably give it to my  husband so he could film it while it died writhing in a sarin gas experiment to show the infidels our power.”

Miss Al-Qaeda: “Oh, and also… we have to stop global warming!!”

MAK: “Well done. Excellent answer!” (takes kaffiyeh and dabs at his eyes).

MAD: “O.k., Miss I.S.I.S., are you ready for your question?”

Miss I.S.I.S.: “Yes.”

MAD: “If you had only one wish, and you knew it would come true…what would it be?”

Miss I.S.I.S.: “I would hope that all the peoples of the world could come together as one and live forever in peace and harmony. Except for the Jews, citizens of ‘the Great Satan,’ gays, Christians, Hindus, and assorted other infidels, of course. They will be converted, enslaved or slayed without mercy, Inshallah!”

<Reception is lost due to ‘technical difficulties.’>

HealthCare.gov Is Here To Help!- A Sneak Peek Inside!

                          

January 28, 2015, 10:31 a.m.-

                Welcome to HealthCare.gov Mrs. Claire Johnson from 555 Main St., Anywhereville, WI.! We hope you found the log-in process to be easy-peasy and stress free! In order to serve you better and make for a more complete and enjoyable consumer experience, we need to ask you just a few more questions. Rest assured we only collect relevant information that we don’t have already and that your privacy is our utmost concern!

                First off, how long have you smoked Camel Light cigarettes? Mrs. Johnson?

                I, I don’t know…I guess about 10 or 12 years now. How did you now I smoke Camel Lights? And why does the brand matter, anyway?

                You do want access to healthcare, don’t you Mrs. Johnson?

                Yes, of course, but-

                We’ll ask the questions here, Mrs. Johnson, okay?

                Okay.

                How long have you been pregnant, Mrs. Johnson?         

                Pregnant? What do you mean? How…

                Remember that evening about a month ago when you and your husband had that bottle of Southern Comfort and he actually watched an entire ‘romcom’ with you?

                Well…yes, but…oh, my…that would explain why- holy crap!

                Don’t worry, you won’t show for awhile, even with twins!

                How do you…? Wait a  minute, I wasn’t aware this was even an interactive site! Twins?! !&$@F*S!!

                Surely you’ve heard President Obama talk about all the improvements we’ve made to the site in the past few months?

                Well, I guess so…

                Back to the questions then, Claire.  Are you going to take some time off work after giving birth?

                Three months, yes.

                Can we assume your husband has finally found a job, then? What will his starting salary be?

                He’s going to get paid by the hour. I think, like, $10/hr. He can’t work more than 30 hours a week for some reason.

                Anyway, did you enjoy that McDonald’s breakfast sandwich you got at the State Street & Vine Avenue location this morning, Claire?

                What? How the F!*ki#@^s! Did you know that?!

                Put the cigarette down, Claire, and no cursing! You’re going to have to make that your last cigarette until after the kids are born, you know! By-the-way, this being a health care site, we suggest you get that mole in your ‘swimsuit area’ looked at immediately…or whenever they can see you…most care providers are a little backed up lately...must be the changing climate! We can recommend a provider if you like, Claire? Claire? Mrs. Johnson?

***no response***

Claire, we’d like to thank you for accessing Healthcare.gov ‘where your health is our business.’

The National Endowment for Abortion

January 22, 2016-    

        

The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) Announces Abortion As ‘Performance Art’ With the New Broadway Play, “It’s Just a Fetus, Cletus.”

                The play will probe new ground and push the envelope of what’s ‘acceptable’ to the American public by having actual abortions performed live on a set that resembles a Catholic church.

                An NEA spokeswoman stated for the record that, “For hundreds of years the vast majority of people around the world haven’t accepted homosexual unions as a substitute for a man and wife because they are incapable of producing children on their own, which, they claim, is the very reason that two different sexes exist. With this play we clearly show that even a significant number of heterosexual people don’t want to reproduce, and that they do want to show everyone how inclusive their non-reproduction strategies are.”

                Some more aggressive pro-choice organizations are handing out “Have You Killed Your Kid Today?” or “No pants, no panties, no problem! Let’s get ‘em out! Minors welcome.”  bumper stickers.

                A few abortion ‘clinics’ around the country have even started handing out game cards to their clients. “Get them punched for every abortion you have and start accruing points towards winning such great gifts as a lifetime (yours, fortunately, not your babies) subscription to ‘NARAL Monthly’ magazine…you’ll love the centerfolds.”

The 'Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice' (RCRC) members are proudly pro-choice.  An offshoot of this group is the 'Spiritual Youth for Reproductive Freedom' (SYRF) comprised of kids as young as 16. According to the RCRC website, they are part of the ‘reproductive justice community’ (which does not include, it should be noted, any babies that have ever been aborted). They are against the ‘pain-capable Unborn Child Protection Act’ which would prohibit abortions after the five month mark of pregnancy or more, except under certain conditions.

   “When you want a holy abortion, let the Spirit move you to RCRC. We’ll do our best to make you feel special…on our sacred honor!”

Putin on the Blitz!

                (Italicized words set to the rhythm of the song, “Puttin' on the Ritz,” made famous by Fred Astaire)

               Tanks and various other military vehicles, many towing heavy weapons, are once again pouring over the Russian border into eastern Ukraine. Sightings of the  “green men,” Russian soldiers in plain green uniforms with no insignia are becoming more common as well. These are the same type of forces that carried out the invasion of Crimea this past spring and they are obviously preparing for renewed military action.

                If you’ve no clue and you don’t know who to blame, why don’t you look where Russians maim…Putin on the Blitz! Different types who wear the same coat, pants with no stripes, they’ll cut your throat with perfect slits…Putin on the Blitz!

                Of course, Russian government officials dismiss the reports as “alarmist”. They vehemently deny that there are- or ever were- Russian armed forces inside of Ukraine.

                Dressed up like million dollar troopers, Putin trying hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)

They think we’ll run from where Ivans walk with guns or rocket launchers in their mitts…Putin on the Blitz!

                And now the Russians are provocatively resuming their Cold-War era practice of sending long-range bombers to patrol the western Atlantic and eastern Pacific. These flights extend to the borders of U.S. territorial waters and are in keeping with the more aggressive air “defense” posture Russia has implemented since annexing the Crimean region of Ukraine this past March.

                You’ll declare it’s quite a dare when you hear them lobbing bombs and lies into your midst…Putin on the Blitz!

The Stupid Virus

Wednesday, April 1, 2015-

From News Reports

                In congressional testimony earlier today, authorities revealed a plot to spread Chlorovirus  ATCV-1, aka “the Stupid Virus”. The virus, discovered by scientists from John Hopkins University, was first publicly acknowledged in a ‘Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences’ (PNAS) paper released on October 27^th, 2014. Shortly after the paper’s findings were disseminated many in the media dubbed Chlorovirus ATCV-1 “the Stupid Virus” because it has been found to depress certain cognitive functions. In fact, laboratory mice that had been deliberately injected with the virus were found to be about 15% ‘dumber’ than those that didn’t receive an injection.

                The virus, found in 43% of the  human sample group, resides in the back of the throat. Scientists had been puzzled by how the virus, which usually is found in algae, had made the leap to a different kingdom of animal.

                Authorities revealed today that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) had been placing infected algae into suburban and rural water supplies around the country in a desperate attempt to gain more votes in advance of the November 4, 2014 general elections.

                DNC members initially claimed that Rush Limbaugh was behind the sabotage of community water systems and that they had no knowledge of- or involvement in- the  scheme. (Several claimed that if you reverse audio-recordings of  portions of Rush’s recent radio shows  you can make out the word ‘Chlorovirus’). When asked why Rush would do that, they all sat dumbfounded and mute, however. Eventually Nancy Pelosi leapt up and said “Don’t you fools see? We had to put it in the water supplies so we could find out what was in it?!”

                Quickly caving after that, the crestfallen DNC members stated that “you all read the poll numbers, what choice did we have?”

                Many people have suspected for some time now that people, in general, have been getting dumber in recent years. How else to explain  certain voting and cultural trends, among other things? And the taking seriously and on good faith the words and promises of the heads of North Korea, Iran and other totalitarian states?

                Experts say that the ‘tipping point’ of global-dumbing, past which the planet isn’t likely to recover, will be reached if governments and people start believing anything any member of the Russian government says.

         

Hillary Shocker: She Says "I Had Monica First!"

Washington, D.C.

January 26, 2016-

                In a stunning revelation that had this town buzzing today, Hillary Rodham Clinton proclaimed that she- not husband/former president William Jefferson Clinton- was the first member of her household to have “relations” with Monica Lewinsky. At an informal news conference early this morning she had the following comments:

                “Monica first snapped her thong at me months before her now well-known oval-office tryst with Bill! I must admit, I jumped at the chance, even though I’m normally not into cellulite mamas. I mean, seeing as how Bill and I weren’t exactly lighting up the sheets, at the time, if you know what I mean.  Indeed, on one occasion, she was servicing me while I was on the phone with Bill talking about the Vince Foster cover-up…I mean suicide! However, I never had penetration of that woman, not a single time…never!  So I don’t think you can say it was sex.”

                Some pundits are speculating that Hillary is just trying to give her  presidential-election campaign an added boost. They say she is fixated on how beloved Bill is now- one of the most popular former presidents in history- and on how his poll numbers actually rose during his presidency after his  affair with Lewinsky and subsequent impeachment proceedings. Former President Clinton’s average first term approval rating was 50%. Yet, after the Lewinsky affair was made public in early 1998 and his subsequent impeachment later that year his approval ratings soared to 73%.  One MSNBC political analyst said her “hunch” is that Hillary isn’t telling the truth about her purported “relations” with Lewinsky, which she claims probably never happened, but has fabricated and made public the story purely for political gain. She added “you go girl”!

U.S. to Topple Own Towers

September 11, 2015- Washington, D.C.

              President Obama announced today that the United States will pre-emptively begin destroying all buildings over 50 stories tall across the country starting September 11^th, 2016.

              “In order to assure the world community that we harbor no notions of architectural superiority, that we do not think of ourselves as reaching for higher goals than any other society, nation, community, or group….this is the right thing to do.

             “In particular, we want to assure our Islamist brothers and sisters that we will no longer taunt them with politically incorrect…indeed hurtful and hateful…buildings which seem to say to them that we simply want to gobble up all the world’s resources and use them to promote a hyper- capitalist society bent on exploiting the world’s downtrodden masses and lording over them with tall buildings in which people engage in such activities as free trade and finance, etc.”

               After the president issued his fatwa against existing tall American buildings, he proposed new legislation restricting the construction of any new ‘skyscrapers’ to under 50 stories as well- in perpetuity.

               “As you know, I believe deeply in the principle of American un-exceptionalism and in the manifest destiny of one-world government. I also believe we do not have the right to irritate any other people or offend them in any way.

               “With these concrete  actions showing our support for the world community, and respect for our Muslim friends, we are sure that we can now all co-exist in non-judgemental  peace and harmony for ever and ever, so help us Allah….I mean God…or whatever.”

 

Feds to 'Contract' State of Minnesota

Washington, D.C.-

     The federal government announced today that it has decided to “contract” the state of Minnesota.

“We wish to make this very clear. This has nothing to do with succession. Minnesota was firmly against this move from the outset” stated the government spokesman. “The federal government alone is responsible for this action. The evidence that called  for this move is pervasive, self-evident and overwhelming.

     “To wit: the University of Minnesota’s sports teams routinely lose to their neighboring North Dakota and North Dakota State teams…despite having several times the student body population of these schools. Indeed they are challenged by South Dakota’s teams on occasion, too. We won’t even start in on Wisconsin with the Packers and the Badgers. Hell, their own fans get shouted down in their own bars and restaurants! These are just neighboring states. If we look at Texas, for example…ugggh. The first ever ‘hail Mary’ pass in 1975  beat the Vikings. Dallas then took your Minnesota North Stars professional hockey team. The State of Hockey? Really? You had a 31-0 lead in a bowl game-held in Texas no less- on Texas Tech…and lost? Is that humanly possible?!!!? Louisiana? Vikes lost Bountygate to the Saints when they were clearly the better team. The big bad Gophers men’s hockey team? Lost to Air force and  Yale…and ‘Union’ (with a student body approximately 47,000 less than the ‘U’) … just in the last few years?!!!! Michigan? The ‘U’ Had a 28-0 lead-at home- going into the 4^th quarter…and lost?? Holy crap!

     “New York? 41-donut. (Some sports historians now use the term ‘bagel’ ). California? Steve Young…’the Run’. They lost their pro basketball team to Los Angeles-the Lakers yet! Woulda thought they coulda kept that one. That was decades ago and they haven’t gotten a new professional basketball team yet! What? The Timberwolves?

    “ Nebraska? Is this a typo? It says here that in 1983 you lost at home to the Cornhuskers…84-13 (giggles, recomposes himself).  The ‘Love Boat’. The ‘whizzonater’. We could go on and on.

       “The business climate. The regulatory burden. The taxation.

     “The climate climate! (Embarrass, Minnesota is aptly named! Several days with temperatures lower than 40 below zero this past winter)? Ice covering lakes from November into May? Six months? Really? Half of the friggin’ year?

    “ Jessie (the ‘Body’) Ventura. Al Franken. Governor Goofy. The ONLY state in the union that voted for Walter Mondale over Ronald Reagan. Number 1 in voter fraud?

     “The state is basically one massive non-viable tissue mass crying out for after-birth abortion!

     “So we will return the state to a territory ( from which neighboring states will be allowed to absorb any parts they  deem beneficial. For example North Dakota may want to incorporate the many natural wonders, the sheer physical beauty and diversity of the land. South Dakota may want the Twin Cities metropolis. Iowa may want a lake or two to call their own. Wisconsin may want a professional hockey team, and so on). We are perfectly happy to go back to 49 states. That said, perhaps a better functioning government like, say, Puerto Rico’s, could lead them to become our second 50^th state. Or if things get too chaotic in the new Minnesota Territory we could envision a new ‘East Dakota’ being formed as a viable second 50^th state as well”.