September
11, 2015- Washington, D.C.
President Obama announced today that the
United States will pre-emptively begin destroying all buildings over 50 stories
tall across the country starting September 11th, 2016.
“In order to assure the world community that
we harbor no notions of architectural superiority, that we do not think of
ourselves as reaching for higher goals than any other society, nation,
community, or group….this is the right thing to do.
“In particular, we want to assure our Islamist
brothers and sisters that we will no longer taunt them with politically
incorrect…indeed hurtful and hateful…buildings which seem to say to them that
we simply want to gobble up all the world’s resources and use them to promote a
hyper- capitalist society bent on exploiting the world’s downtrodden masses and
lording over them with tall buildings in which people engage in such activities
as free trade and finance, etc.”
After the president issued his fatwa against
existing tall American buildings, he proposed new legislation restricting the
construction of any new ‘skyscrapers’ to under 50 stories as well- in
perpetuity.
“As you know, I believe deeply in the
principle of American un-exceptionalism
and in the manifest destiny of one-world government. I also believe we do not
have the right to irritate any other people or offend them in any way.
“With
these concrete actions showing our
support for the world community, and respect for our Muslim friends, we are
sure that we can now all co-exist in
non-judgemental peace and harmony for
ever and ever, so help us Allah….I mean God…or whatever.”
