Taxes, Donations, Fees, Tips...Oh My!

 

I recently stopped at Walgreens to buy a birthday card. Upon checkout, the clerk told me that I owed $8.57 after taxes for the $7.95 card. She then said, “Care to round up your purchase? The change goes to indigenous youth with cleft palates. That would just take it from $8.57 to, umm, like $9 even.”

 “Oh, well, okay,” I said.

She then asked, “Would you like to donate $10 to feed the starving children?”

“No, not today. I did yesterday,” I replied.

“$5 for autistic Somali children?”

“No.”

“$2 for trans youth?”

“N0.”

“$1 for veterans with Irritable Bowel Syndrome?“

“Not today.”

“Oh, and I forgot to mention there is a $2 processing fee.”

“What, a processing fee for ringing up a greeting card?!”

“Yes, that just came through last week.” I handed the clerk $20 and she struggled with how much to give back in change. I told her. She promptly pushed an iPad towards me on the counter.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“That’s for the tip,” she answered.  I looked down at the iPad and saw three options: 25%, 50% (suggested), and 100% (thank you!).

“A minimum 25% tip for ringing up a greeting card and asking if I’d like to donate to everyone else on earth?!”

“Yes.”

“I am not bleeping tipping you! I didn't charge the store a fee for picking up the pop can on the floor when I walked in! And I didn't ask you for a tip after I explained to you that 20 - 11 = 9 when you were trying to give me my change!”

She cried. And cried.

“Oh, all right, here’s five bucks cash.”

She smiled.

Walking out I saw the Salvation Army setting up their red kettle. “Care to—”

Wasn’t in the mood after I was just essentially asked to pay $43.50 for an already overpriced greeting card.

(And most of us have tried to purchase concert tickets. Face value of, say, $75. Want to be seated so you can hear the performer? That’ll be another $100. Want to be seated so you can see the performer? That’ll be another $200. And then state taxes and environmental fees are added on. And processing fees. Etc. Etc. When you finally go to pay, the tickets cost you a $1,500 each.)

I know how this all started. I once gave 10 bucks to a foundation I was fond of and now get approximately 37 pieces of mail a week asking for donations. I never knew there were so many groups out there. And it's not good enough to donate once a year, or a little here and there when you can. Oh, no, they want you to pick a set amount monthly, starting out at 50 bucks, with checkboxes subsequently going up to $1000 or even more. “Can't do that?” they ask. “Then just send in the $11.68 it cost us to mail you this letter.” The hell it cost you $11.68 to mail this letter to me, I think. And, also, I didn't bleeping ask for you to do so! No matter, a few weeks later, I get additional letters asking if I would like to just turn over my estate to the cause when I die. Yes, I'll just forget my kids and spouse and descendants and turn everything over to them! That's kind of a big ask, is it not?! Don't think I'd have the cajones to ask that of anybody, even folks and organizations with a hell of a lot more cash and resources than I have.

Come to think of it, I'm going to send out letters to everybody I know, every organization that has been shaking me down for years, and possibly every other person and entity on the planet, asking them to donate to me.

After going out to eat, purchasing two concert tickets, and that trip to Walgreens to buy a birthday card, I am going to need all the financial help I can get.